How to Feel More Confident in Lingerie (Even When You’re Wearing It Just for You)
For as long as lingerie has been associated with looking and being sexy, countless women have wondered why putting it on can sometimes have the opposite effect. Not necessarily in a dramatic, “I hate my body” sense, but rather in the tendency to find one thing, then another, to pick apart. And for reasons that are often out of your control, those thoughts have a habit of showing up the moment you’re standing in front of the mirror in little more than lingerie.
That’s also where, for a lot of women, the experience starts to become frustrating. You can buy a set you genuinely love, pick out a size and shape that suit you, and still find yourself paying more attention to your stomach, breasts, thighs, or whatever else you’re feeling self-conscious about than the lingerie itself. At some point, figuring out what helps you feel better starts to matter more than forcing yourself to love every inch of your body ever could.
Though there’s no single answer that applies to every woman, there are a number of things that can make lingerie feel a lot better on your body and, at times, empowering. Some are practical—a bra that sits properly, briefs that don’t dig in, materials you like wearing—and others have more to do with how you think about lingerie in the first place.
Here’s everything that can help you feel more confident in lingerie, whether you’re wearing it for someone else or solely for yourself.
Meet the Expert
Abril Magi is the founder of Argentine lingerie brand WOLFFIA. She has several years of experience in the lingerie industry, working closely on product design and fit while also focusing on women’s sensuality, confidence, and desire.
Start With Lingerie You Actually Like
Before worrying about what anyone else might think, pay attention to what you enjoy seeing on yourself. Magi says lingerie is an incredibly personal thing, largely because “what makes one woman feel powerful might make another woman feel uncomfortable.” There isn’t a fixed recipe for what’s supposed to make you feel sexy, nor does your favorite bra or set need to match somebody else’s taste.
Confidence, for Magi, comes from figuring out what sensuality looks like on your own terms. “We want women to discover what sensuality means to them personally, rather than feeling that they have to fit into someone else’s idea of it,” she says. We like that way of looking at lingerie because it takes somebody else’s approval out of the equation (they’re not the one wearing it, after all). Lace might make you feel incredible, while another woman might be happiest in next to nothing.
She adds, “The most powerful lingerie isn’t necessarily the piece someone else finds sexy — it’s the one that changes the way you see yourself when you put it on.”
Focus on Fit Before Anything Else
Once you’ve found something you like, we’d turn our attention to fit. Magi says it can “completely change the experience of lingerie,” particularly when straps are digging in, elastic is cutting into your skin, or you keep having to adjust the same part over and over. At that point, even something you really like can become difficult to enjoy when it doesn’t fit you properly.
Size, for one, is only part of the equation. Magi recommends treating whatever is printed on the tag as a starting point, rather than getting hung up on whether it says anything meaningful about your body. It’s a small change in perspective (your body isn’t the thing that needs correcting, after all), but an important one. “Women shouldn’t feel that their bodies need to adapt to lingerie,” she explains. “Lingerie should adapt to the body.”
Wear It for Yourself First
Wearing lingerie for yourself can completely change where the meaning of wearing it comes from. Instead of measuring it by how desirable you look to someone else, the focus turns inward—to how you feel in your body, what the lingerie brings out in you, and whether you enjoy wearing it in the first place. Magi describes that as stepping into “a space that exists beyond the external gaze,” where a woman is “no longer dressing to be seen or desired by someone else” and can decide for herself how she wants to feel.
Magi sees a lot of value in that private side of lingerie. “Sensuality doesn’t need an audience,” she says, adding that wearing it for yourself can become “a very intimate ritual” for exploring desire and reconnecting with your body. In her words, “You stop wearing it to attract someone else’s attention and start wearing it to awaken something within yourself.”
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